The Enemies

Enemy #1

What can possibly be said about this menace? He is an evil Nazi (German = Nazi, right?) who hates women, minorities, and probably small children. He is intent on destroying LitHERgy by insisting on outdated music, outdated (and intrinsically oppressive) languages, and look at those vestments!!!! How can you effectively communicate the spirit beHIIIIIND the belly button with vestments like that?!?! GAH! So sad that our brothers and sisters in the Episcopal Church are the only ones with good vestments (I don't join the Episcopalians because Catholicism is my faith tradition from when the Gaia Mother first breathed my spirit into me after I was born...that and I want to be a plague and an annoyance on good Catholics as much as I possibly can.)

Enemy #2

Now, Brett Favre...the man basically is pure American Man, and there are few things we hate more. Football is a plague upon our society that needs to be eradicated for its sexism and its promotion of masculinity, and nobody screams "football" as much as Brett Favre. He makes MY crawly skin crawl, if you can believe it...

Gah I can't stand it anymore!! WOMANSPIRIT COME FORTH!!!

No Comment

So Feminique and Pat and I were talking the other day about how no one's left a comment for us in ages. Why? we wondered. It's certainly not the case that no one visits this blog anymore, seeing as how we're really the only feminist site that completely supports and strives after the spirit of Miriam Therese Winter. Then we wondered whether possibly our posts have either resounded with so many oppressed women and/or converted so many oppressive patriarchs that no one disagrees with us by the time they're done reading (and thus, no comments).

THEN, Pat started choking on her tofu casserole and screaming, "Men! Men! MEN!" She usually does that at some point each day, so Feminique and I thought little of it and continued our discussion of the comments problem. This time was different, though. "Men!" Pat shouted again. "Comment has the word MEN in it!!!" Of course. And to think we've let that go for five months now ... our bad.

So that's why the combox is so empty. We're sorry, and due changes have been made. You may now feel free to congratulate us, encourage us, or both, by leaving a commYnt, without having to sell out to patriarchy.

Three years ago today...

We all died inside...

GrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGH

Damn, I hate men

We've been pretty quiet around here lately, and I just felt like telling everyone how much I hate men.

Wow, it's unbelievable how evil men are. Perhaps it would be good for us all to re-evaluate reasons why we hate them.

1. They are patriarchal, authoritarian jerks.

2. They hold way too many positions of authority in the Church and in government.

3. They watch football.

4. They kill animals and eat them.

Sometimes I hate men so much that, in the words of Ashlee Simpson, it makes me want to scream. (I'm glad in popular society, by the way, that we have talented and liberated wymyn like Ashlee who are able to eloquently and beautifully express the thoughts of her sisters through song. To think that such beautiful art just wouldn't have been allowed in the Dark Ages of the 1950's when those rotten Catholic bishops--perhaps the single most evil group of men in human history--were basically telling the American television and film industry what they couldn't broadcast. Thank God we've progressed to the point where such beautiful art as this is much more commonplace. Though notice the cretins in the crowd--from sexist places like Oklahoma, most of them--booed her. How dare they!)

Since men are here, and, sadly, here to stay, it seems we should give a model for what our ideal man should be. This is difficult, because it's like saying what our ideal Pope would be like--it shouldn't be there in the first place, but if you had to choose the least damaging option...

At any rate, he'd probably look something like this:























Well, that's all for today sisters. How have you harmed a man today?

Quiz

In our never-ending search for ways to reach out to our culture, we here at the Herm*neutic of Suspicion have found that many popular blogs on the Other Side, such as the Sober Sophomore and Infelix Ego, occasionally post entertaining quiz results.

Unfortunately, the Sober Sophomore this week, despite being on retreat, has attracted over twice as many visitors with her old-fashioned holy-picture-things as we have with our daily dose of womantruth. Discouraging? Yes. But it has always been our motto: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em; then once you've joined 'em, steal their ideas, leave 'em, and then beat 'em. Thus, we too have now opened up the depths of our womanspirits in taking the online "Militant Feminist Quiz." Results follow:

DARLENE:
Disappointing. It seems I have more of a soft spot than I'd thought. I need a good slap in the face.

FEMINIQUE:

Considering her relatively recent conversion to the cause (that's a story for another day), this is a promising score. The thing with 'Nique is that having been in the education business for so long, her exposure to the kids has compromised her ability to harbor high levels of violent anger. But seeing as how she's jumped 19 points in the last two months, she'll probably be in the 90s by March.

PAT:
That's what we like to see!

Please note: while the Herm*neutic of Suspicion has gladly dispensed with traditional ideas of morality, we do still possess a sense of decency, and thus in all honesty must advise our viewers not to follow the link and take this quiz. The questions become rather offensive toward the end, and we all would have been better off not having taken the questionnaire. Unfortunately it is about the only militant feminist quiz we could find.

Beware Bad Books: Week I

In addition to Feminique's weekly literary recommyndations, it is also important to point out other kinds of books; namely, books that one ought not to read. Whether outdated, patriarchal, sexist, ugly, or just plain offensive, these books are still floating around and must be avoided.

This week's dangerous tome is an innocent-looking red-and-grey volume called the St. Joseph's Baltimore Catechism. A quick rating will explain this:

Outdated: Yes. As if things we taught children in the '50s are still good for teaching them in today's world. Patriarchal: Yes. Sexist: Yes yes. See discussion below. Ugly: The many illustrations look far too much like real people, and use metaphors too frequently. Kids aren't ready for such things until they're at least 15. Just plain offensive: Again, yes.

If you don't believe me, just take a look at this part of the chapter on "Holy Matrimony" (a sexist word, by the way, which we will explore in a later post). The children are supposed to come up with a list of virtues that will prepare them for a happy marriage. And ....

Oh wow. Look at that -- of course, the girls get the unreasonable demands thrown on them. The very fact that there are two separate lists is bad enough, but then they have to go and patronize us by throwing in under the boys' list "respect for girls" and such. We don't need their stinking respect!

Well, enough space wasted on the Baltimore Catechism. Just don't read it, and if you meet anyone teaching from it, then please report it to us. We will take the necessary steps.

Girlcott!

Well, sisters, it's that time of year again: when patriarchy fills the television screens of North America and sexism is the entertainment in vogue. What time of year am I talking about? GOOD QUESTION. That really didn't narrow it down at all.

I'm talking about the NFL playoffs. Everywhere you look, people are excited about football and their favorite team and the Super Bowl. Well, isn't that nice. It just so happens that football is the most sexist sport in the country, and also the most popular. Of all the barriers yet to cross, this silly sport looms perhaps the largest. Basketball has the WNBA. Girls' softball is on about half the time on one of the ESPN channels. Mia Hamm and company have given much-deserved credibility to women's soccer. And that Russian tennis girl with the long name could probably beat the pants off Roger Federer if only given the chance. (Federer is likely too afraid to ever afford her that opportunity, unfortunately, and because it's a man's world, they'll let him off the hook.)

But what about football? Is there a WNFL? Umm, no. Is there one single woman in the NFL? No again. Will there ever be? Probably not. (I must confess that for the sake of filtering old-fashioned trashy literature, I took one for the team the other day and actually read this horrid book that Feminique warned against -- there is a passage in there, though, that unwittingly sums up the inherent sexism of football. Something like, "Treat girls well, for without them, life would be one long football locker room." There you have it, from the horse's ManMouth itself.)

If you're not convinced, think it over. What do you expect from a sport with positions like lineman? If you're still not convinced, then you're probably a man, so get off our blog. Once and for all, sisters, as we work towards women's ordination, let us also strive for female fullbacks. For what the Catholic Church is to religion, football is to sports. The key is to still call ourselves football fans when among other people, while behind the scenes we furtively direct our womanpowers toward changing the sport's sexist rules. Kind of like we've been doing with the Church.

If its sexism doesn't sufficiently show its utter barbarity, then just take a look at one of the NFL's games for a second. The men wear sharp cleats that tear up the turf of mother Earth beneath them. The ball reputedly is, or at least used to be, made out of pigskin; now I believe it is leather, which is still an animal. And how are we ever supposed to achieve peace on earth as long as people keep hitting one another? Add to that the fact that it's 100% male, and the NFL should appear to everyone to be the evil organization that it is.

We at H.o.S. are therefore declaring a girlcott on the NFL this season, and forever. Do NOT watch any of the games. Do NOT buy jerseys as presents. Do NOT wear any team logos. Write to the commissioner and tell Roger Bad-ell that his league is a backwards, sexist atrocity.

And above all, pray to the WomanSpirit that the Cowboys don't win the Super Bowl. Or the Packers, as they are actually named after meat packers, and are thus evil. Or the Colts or Giants, whose quarterbacks are named Manning. You know, just pray that no one wins the Super Bowl.

Book of the Week

A womanfriend shared this book with me quite a while ago, and I admit that I more or less forgot about it until recently, when a few things reminded me of it. First was Darlene's post which showed the utter intolerance that some people still instill in their children. I mean, seriously sisters, what kind of person looks at such a meaningful illustration (which certainly elevates the mind to something greater), and is immediately inclined to mock it? Sick. I'll bet this child was raised on traditional, sexist tales, or perhaps (nature forbid) this terrible book.

Second, a recent perusal of our sitemeter shows that several readers have clicked over from *shudder* this blog (I won't even post the name, since I have no desire to profane this page with the language of the patriarchs). That site is just about what you'd expect from the title and self-description; however, I did find one item of interest: a holiday hyr, cleansed of the intolerance, sexism, and religious superiority one is usually deluged with at this time of year. (For your own sakes, sisters, DO NOT read that blog, for the sake of your womanspirits; I merely wanted to point out that, well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Unless it's a M*nClock.)

In any case, on to this week's recommended book: Politically Correct Holiday Stories: For an Enlightened Yuletide Season. In fact, check out anything in this series, as they're all worth your time. This particular volume includes refreshing tales such as "Rudolph the Nasally Empowered Reindeer" and "Frosty the Persun of Snow". Buy this book, Share it with a child in your life, and maybe, just maybe, you can reach them before the patriarchy does.

TTFN, sisters!

URGENT: Blog Name Crisis

It's 5 pm on Monday, Jan 7, and I just realized that the name of our blog has the word MEN in it. That's right, scroll up to the top, and you'll see "The HerMENeutic of Suspicion."

Problem.

Granted, our title also has the word HER, which is most fortunate, and also, HER comes before MEN, as it should. But still the question remains: why is MEN there at all?

Feminique, Pat, we should really call a council between the three of us (we are pope, after all) and decide what to do about this. Readers: we owe you an explanation.

Contrary to popular belief, the phrase "herm*neutic of suspicion" was not coined by Feminique. People assume that because she's the intellectual and the educator here, that she has developed all of our sophisticated terminology. While that is true for the most part, the phrase "H.o.S." was actually made up long ago to apply to any number of movements. (Sometimes, even Traditionalist Catholics are said to adopt a hermeneutic of suspicion toward so-called "HERetical" developments by those more liberally-minded individuals!! Aack! Wish we'd known that before naming this blog too.) It has been especially adopted, however, by the feminist movement, thanks to the great Miriam Therese Winter, who writes:

Women are particularly encouraged to critique the [biblical] narratives in light of their own experience, applying ... a hermeneutics of suspicion, questioning the facts in light of feelings, filling in the missing pieces by imaginatively recreating herstory from a woman's point of view. (Preface from WomanWord: A Feminist Lectionary and Psalter, NY: Crossroad Publishing Co., 1990)

You said it, Miriam!! This, anyway, is the basis for our blog's title. Unfortunately we missed those three sexist letters weeks ago. Fear not, though -- it is only a mistake. We do not want any of you to think that this compromises our mission for equality, or worse yet, to think that we at H.o.S. are at all insincere about our real opinions.

Stoke on TRENT?! *or* Pat's Psychedelic Nightmares

Apparently, in addition to a reader from somewhere in Ireland (a nasty country which I think is inherently sexist, there must be something in the water over there), there is also a reader of our blog from somewhere in the UK named Stoke-on-Trent.

TRENT?!?!?!?!?!?

Excuse me MR. BRITISH PERSON (of course it must be a man), but how dare you contaminate our blog with a city name so SEXIST as Stoke on Trent?!?  That's only one letter away from "Stoked on Trent," which is a California way of saying that one...actually...is deeply enthusiastic for...the Ecumenical Council of...

*Faints*

*During Pat's dream, she sees the following:

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"CASSOCKS!!!!  LAAAAAAAACE!!!!!!!!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

"WAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHH!!!!"

*2 hours later*

Oh goodness...how terrible...I can't believe someone from such a town would visit our site!!  He could have had the decency to say he was from Stoke on Spirit of Vatican II!

Oh my word...I need a nip of womanhooch...

(Last picture from yahoo news)